Special Agent Cooper sat at his computer and began.
“Dear Family, Friend, all those who truly care about me,
I wasn’t writing. I was just fighting. Please know that I never meant to be so awful, so dishonest, so manipulative, so arrogant, so blind to you- all the love and care here, for me. I honestly couldn’t feel it or see it. And it pains me to no end.
I sit here at this virtual dream machine and want nothing more than to just come clean to everyone finally.
I say finally, knowing clearly now that there is no finality anywhere but in ‘peoples” heads. Closure is like a drug. TV rots your brain. And worse. I had to work my own bug out. And continue to. It’s no one’s responsibility but mine.
I thought there was an end to it before, that I was going ‘somewhere,’ when I still believed I was Kyle C. Grant, that I was stuck with that pathetic mask of limitation and fear, built by others, having to live with a gaping hole inside, a need for approval, acceptance from others. Instead of accepting and approving of myself. I endlessly lectured on this before, without having swallowed the bitter pill myself and letting it work its awful, soul wrenching, transformative ‘magic.’
Finally I can see it, why I was so hesitant, forever standing at the precipice without taking the leap, the only thing that takes you where you need to be, where you actually are.
I just want all those who really care for me to know I will be ok (and so will you) and I am really here for you now, like I wasn’t- and couldn’t have been- before.
It’s time for me to be me and let you be you. I got it, but I really didn’t. I couldn’t know what I didn’t know, what I wouldn’t allow myself to know, so I could begin to really grow. To know myself, actually. I am free to be who I want, to play what role I choose. It is not written in stone. And I am no stone buddha. I dance. I dream. I live. I die. And nothing happens at all. I am forgiven. For my stupidity, arrogance, carelessness and greed. I know it through and through and I am not waiting for anyone to confirm it. That was before. No more waiting. No more staying behind at the station to make sure everyone who doesn’t want to jump aboard is ‘ok.’ They will be ok and they are ok. They just don’t see the train. Yet. If they ever do. That’s no longer my concern. It never was. I just had it in my fear-bug-possessed head that it was my concern.
The only reason I had something to prove was that I hadn’t seen for myself yet, I wouldn’t let myself, because of the ocean of pain within that must be faced, instead of looking the other way all the time. I get why I looked away, and why most everyone still does. I really do now. This heart-opening business is wrenching.
How many times did I say that you have to die to be reborn and have no clue what I was actually saying?! No, Jaya Deva, I will not forget my sense of humor. It’s mine. I didn’t know that before.
I am a detective and that’s all I have ever been or ever wanted to be. It’s who I am, who I choose to be, so detect away I will, following the leads, drinking my bitter black coffee, collecting clues without worrying about where they lead, knowing that a desire for closure, an end, is the psychological hang up that must be overcome. By everyone, if we are to truly progress. In the only time there really is, now.